Welcome aboard the newly re-imagined Jungle Cruise: Oddyssey! (Misspelled intentionally) Prepare to embark on an odd adventure through uncharted territories of the jungle, where excitement and discovery await around every bend of the river.

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SKIPPER SCRIPT:

 

Out of curiosity do we have any Mikes onboard?… No? Ok, cool just had to do a quick mic check.

 

Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise. My name is MonorailRed, and I’ll be your skipper, guide, social director, and if you don't laugh at my jokes - your swim instructor - for the next three months.

 

We’ve turned on to the Nile river of Africa, the longest river in the world, winding across more than 4000 miles. It goes on for Nile’s and Nile’s and if you don’t believe me you are in…. Disbelief.

 

As your expedition sets sail, Near the water's edge, a family of hippos basks in the warm sun, their massive bodies partially submerged as they lazily float in the shallows.

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SCRIPT:

 

We are now turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos, so please, sit still and don’t rock the boat. These huge creatures are quite curious and could easily upset our boat. So please, don’t do anything that might attract them!

 

Don’t worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles….

 

Oh wait... they're all blowing bubbles.

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As you navigate through a dense thicket of mangroves, keep your eyes peeled for the telltale signs of crocodiles lurking just beneath the surface. These ancient predators are masters of camouflage, blending seamlessly into their surroundings as they patiently wait for unsuspecting prey to come within striking distance.

 

SCRIPT:

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On the other side is my favorite jungle resident, Old Smiley, one of the laziest crocodiles in these parts. I do suggest that you keep your hands inside the boat because Smiley is always looking for a hand out.

 

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As you turn the river bank, an ancient temple ruins appears with crocodiles and tigers.

 

SCRIPT:

 

Do you know what the difference between crocodiles and alligators are? The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made with fiberglass.

 

Now, That Bengal Tiger is totally real - it has a talent of jumping up to 35,000 feet…out of a plane that is.

 

As you round a bend in the river, you're greeted by the sight of a majestic herd of giraffes grazing peacefully on the lush vegetation that lines the banks. Their long necks crane upwards as they reach for tender leaves, their graceful movements a testament to the beauty of nature's design.

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SCRIPT: Ah, we're coming up on the biggest diva's of the jungle. Yes, they're always looking down on at the little people.

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There’s that lost safari we’ve been looking for. Obviously mixed up in some kind of native uprising. That rhino seems to be getting his point across, and I’m sure that guy on the bottom will get the point in the end! Hey I know that guy on the bottom, his names Juan. Ya, and it looks like that rhino is going to get a hole in Juan. Well, bottoms up, fellows!

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Further upstream we hit the desert, you may catch sight of a pride of lions lounging in the shade of ancient trees, their golden coats shimmering in the dappled sunlight with a crowd of scattered animals from the savannah.

 

SCRIPT:

 

Look it’s Simba and Nala from the Lion King. Just so you know These lions prefer their zebra on the rocks. Do you know why it’s so hard to eat zebra? You keep getting white meat – dark meat – white meat – dark meat.

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You stumble upon a hidden clearing deep in the jungle, where a group of gorillas communicate with each other using bongos, drums, and other makeshift instruments. You're skipper explains that it is a Bongogram, a telecommunication piece in the jungle while doing some sort of joke about the model coming out depending on current features.

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SCRIPT:

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Hey were going to take a slight detour - my realtor told me to check out this “hot property” on the river.

 

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You'll soon find yourself venturing deep into the heart of a towering volcano. Feel the heat rising as you journey into the fiery depths, surrounded by bubbling lava and steaming geysers.

 

SCRIPT:

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You know, my Gecko insurance said it doesn’t count under flood if the lava rises I knew never to trust a Sale-amander.

 

Remember everyone, keep your eyes open, because I won’t.

 

Keep your eyes peeled for hidden treasures and ancient artifacts hidden amidst the foliage, as your skipper regales you with tales of daring explorers and legendary adventurers who once braved these untamed waters. ensuring a safe and exhilarating passage through this fiery underworld.

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Look out for majestic elephants bathing in the cool waters, their gentle trumpeting filling the air as they splash and play. Nearby, a family of playful otters frolics in the shallows, darting in and out of the reeds with boundless energy.

 

SCRIPT (Skipper takes deep breath):

 

Well, I hope everyone brought their SPF 1000! And look at all the elephants out here today! This comes as a complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys were going to be here. If you want to take pictures go ahead- all the elephants have their trunks on.

 

As we leave the elephant pool, we head into… uh-oh- a big one is coming up on the right and it looks like he’s aiming for us! (Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up) Oh no! He’s coming up again – you folks on the right get down! Well… I guess he didn’t have enough trunk space.

 

SCRIPT:

 

As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forests, where it rains some 365 days a year.

 

As you continue your journey, you'll encounter an exciting new scene unlike any other. Behold, a magnificent waterfall cascading down from the towering cliffs above, surrounded by lush vegetation and exotic wildlife.

 

SCRIPT:

 

Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I'd like to take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There's one, there's one... (Point left, point rear left, point right, etc)

 

Above you, a kaleidoscope of butterflies flutters through the air, their delicate wings painted in a riot of colors that rival the most vibrant blooms of the jungle. Keep your eyes peeled for rare species among the throngs, their fleeting beauty a reminder of the fragility and wonder of the natural world.

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SCRIPT:

 

(Sighs) Caterpillars just aren’t what they used to be…

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The boat glides closer to a narrow, shadowy gap between the rocks, just wide enough for the boat to squeeze through. The captain dims the lights, creating an eerie ambiance. As the boat slips into the darkness, the temperature drops slightly, and the sounds of the jungle fade into a quiet, dripping echo.

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SCRIPT:

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hold on tight! We're about to enter a part of the jungle that few have ever seen. Up ahead, you'll notice a small opening in the rocky outcrop. Legend has it that this is the entrance to the Hidden Cavern.

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The boat emerges into a small, enclosed cavern. The walls are lined with glowing mushrooms, casting an ethereal blue and green light across the space. Stalactites hang from the ceiling like ancient, jagged teeth, dripping water into clear pools below. The steady plink of water echoes around the cavern.

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A frog leaps onto a nearby mushroom, its skin shimmering in the bioluminescent light. It croaks loudly, and several more frogs respond, creating a symphony of amphibian calls as we exit the cavern.

 

SCRIPT:

 

And now, the 8th wonder of the world...the backside...of WATER! O2H! O2H! O2H!

 

And now, the other 8th wonder of the world.... the frontside.... of Switzter Falls. This fall was named after the famous explorer Dr. Albert....Falls.

 

But perhaps the most enchanting encounter of all awaits you as you come upon a secluded clearing where a family of lemurs frolics in the treetops. These playful primates swing from branch to branch with acrobatic skill, their furry tails trailing behind them as they chase one another in a game of tag.

 

SKIPPER SCRIPT:

 

Oh no, I'm being audited by the "branch managers" of the jungle, they're always on the lookout for the next "big leap" but I'm not really interested in moving up to their level.

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SKIPPER SCRIPT:

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OK rise like bread folks, no loafing around. I know my jokes are stale and crumby, and I’m sure I could do butter but its the yeast I can do on the sourdough I make here. I think I get my rye sense of humor from my dad. It’s no wonder. He’s Danish. I was born under a croissant moon and I used to be the toast of the town, until one day I just got spread too thin. Hey, where are you going, I’m on a roll! Oh well I guess you have to jam. OK, everybody stand up please.

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So come, embark on the Jungle Cruise: Oddyssey, where every twist and turn of the river brings new surprises and unforgettable adventures. It's an experience you won't find anywhere else, a journey into the heart of the jungle that will leave you breathless with excitement and wonder.